What is Assertiveness?
There are many ways of
defining assertiveness
“confident and direct in dealing with
others”
HarperCollins Publishers, 2006,
Collins English Dictionary
”confidently aggressive or
self-assured; positive: aggressive; dogmatic”
Random
House, Inc., 2006, Random House Unabridged Dictionary
In their book, Assertiveness – Step by Step, Dr Windy Dryden and Daniel
Constantinou define "Assertiveness as promoting a healthy view of self - It is
neither aggressive nor passive"
Assertiveness also, they say, promotes
a healthy view of others. Others are not seen as being a threat as assertive
people are accepting of others through negotiation and alliance building rather
than not stating their views (passive) or always needing to get their own way
(aggressive).
Assertiveness can be used in order to
build and reinforce a sense of identity and self-confidence – your preferences
may not be met; but at least they have been heard.
- Through honest and open communication
- By reducing negativity and disengagement
- By reducing miscommunication through early intervention
Assertiveness vs. Aggression and Passivity
Assertion vs. Aggression
- Aggression is about winning – at all costs
- Aggression is commonly linked to bullying and getting your own way. whilst this may work in some environments for a limited time.
- The person(s) subjected to the aggressive behaviour are likely to be less motivated, responsive, productive, helpful, willing over repeated occurrences. A common downside to aggressive behaviour in the workplace is a transient, reluctant workforce; which is not achieving its potential or deriving the maximum productivity.
Assertion vs. Passivity
- Passivity is about not rocking the boat and not having self-confidence.
- Passivity is regularly used by people as a way of avoiding the discomfort that can be caused by conflict, which can include always setting out to please others at your own expense.
- Much of the time, the Passive person is the person who ends up doing the work for the Aggressive person, as the aggressive person can sense that they are able to bully the passive person, who will do as they say rather than risk the pain and strife of causing conflict.
The key challenge with assertive
behaviour is to tread the (sometime fine) line between Aggression, Assertion
and Passivity in order to build and maintain your own motivation, self-confidence
and effectiveness; whilst ensuring that you value and respect the views,
opinions and effectiveness of other people.
Assertiveness Techniques
‘I’ statements – giving clarity to what you think, feel and want
‘I’ statements are useful as they allow
you to focus on the problem at hand rather than retreating to a state of
accusing, blaming or attacking the other person.
Another key benefit of ‘I’ statements
is that they illustrate your feelings about the subject.
Typical
‘I’ statement phrasing:
- ‘I
feel…………..when…………….because’
- ‘I prefer
to…’
- ‘I would
like to…’
- ‘I do not
agree that…’
- ‘I feel disappointed when…’
As you can hear, these statements are
focussed, succinct and clear, emphasising and communicating your thoughts and
feelings clearly.
When communicating, it is also useful
to state when things are your opinion rather than a undisputable fact; as this
reinforces to the other person that there is the possibility of other people
having differing opinions, and that their opinion is also valid.
Key
phrasing could be:
- ‘In my
opinion…’
- ‘As I
understand it…’
- ‘My thoughts are…’
It is also important (and a key
difference from aggressive behaviours) to ask for the thoughts and feelings of
the person(s) you are talking with. This
is positive and encourages open communication.
It also allows for a collaborative approach - working together in order
to resolve the problem.
Fresh Learning offers a range of training and support with delivering excellence in Assertiveness. If you would like to contact send us a message using the contact form on the right-hand side of this post.
Fresh Learning Team
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